After Couples Therapy

Maintaining gains is an issue with all forms of therapy, as treatment effects tend to deteriorate over time. Insights gained in couples therapy are the most difficult to retain, simply due to the routine of living together.

While insight is a product of the reflective brain, it’s the autopilot brain that manages the routine of daily life. Most behavior in familiar environments results from a series of conditioned responses and habits that bypass the reflective brain. Under stress or when physical resources are low, all animals, including humans, retreat to previously learned habits. Often, the best that insight can do is help us catch ourselves after slipping back to pre-therapy habits.

Automatic Defense Systems

Couples in conflictive, hurtful, resentful, angry, or abusive relationships develop automatic defensive responses that activate at the first sign of stress, real or imagined. These can be triggered by a partner’s body language, facial expressions, distractedness, hesitations, impatience, discomfort, or eagerness. They’re activated unconsciously; by the time you're aware of any feelings, your automatic defense system is in an advanced stage. Think of your gut reaction when your partner avoids looking at you or merely sighs. Think of how you react when you hear the front door close, even before your partner enters the room or says something in “that tone," gets that “facial expression,” or "rolls those eyes." You’re in a defensive posture, prepared for the worst.

When you’re both defensive, bad things are likely to happen. All good defense systems have preemptive strike capability. The missiles start flying on their own, with no one pushing the buttons. You find yourself in a battle of cold shoulders, curt exchanges, or hot arguments. You both feel powerless, irritable, impatient, or resentful. You have an impulse to walk away, ignore, criticize, yell, or devalue.

The maintenance formula below can help prevent setbacks and correct those you can’t prevent in their earlier stages.

Maintenance Formula

Two pairs of factors determine the success or failure of the recovery process. The first is value and compassion.

Value includes appreciation, affection, kindness, and emotional support.

Compassion includes caring when partners feel bad or suffer hardship, with a motivation to help.

The opposing pair of factors is resentment and contempt:

Resentment—makes you see your partner as unfair, demanding, needy, or withholding.

Contempt—makes you see your partner as selfish, unreliable, untrustworthy, immoral, or pathological.

All of the above are subject to emotional reciprocity, meaning we’re likely to get back what we put out. Displays of appreciation, affection, kindness, support, and compassion tend to be mutual. But negative bias dominates reciprocity—negative emotions and judgments come back more frequently and intensely than positive ones.

Rate each factor on a scale of 1-5, where 1 is strongly disagree that the statement applies to either you or your partner and 5 is strongly agree.

1. Appreciation, kindness, and support occur in our normal routine. ___
2. We care and try to help when we feel bad, ill, or overburdened. ____
3. We perceive each other as unfair, demanding, and inconsiderate. ___
4. We perceive each other as selfish, untrustworthy, immoral, or pathological. __

Multiply your answers to 1 and 2 (Value and Compassion).

Multiply your answers to 3 and 4 (Resentment and Contempt).

Divide the product of 1 and 2 by the product of 3 and 4.

Value ( ) x Compassion ( )

____________________

Resentment ( ) x Contempt ( )

If the remainder of the division is lower than 7, you have work to do. Reducing resentment and contempt is not enough; you must also increase compassion, appreciation, kindness, and support.

The monthly checklist below was designed for graduates of our boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse. Still, they should provide a guide to maintain the gains of couples counseling in general.

Monthly Checklist

On a regular basis, I tried my best to:

• Improve bad situations, rather than blame or otherwise escalate conflict ___
• Appreciate, connect, and protect my partner ___

• Practice binocular vision (see my partner’s perspective alongside my own and make no judgment without understanding my partner’s perspective) ___

• Take care of myself (sleep well, exercise, eat healthfully, drink minimal alcohol and caffeine) ___

Therapy Essential Reads

The Problem With Unconditional Positive Regard

When Your Therapist is Younger Than You Are

Early Warning Signs of Relapse

This past month, I felt:

Resentment ___

Jealousy/Envy ___

Irritability, impatience, or anger in traffic ___

Isolation (didn't want to go out or see friends) ___

Emotional chill closed off from loved ones ___

Check any negative behaviors you have done this month:

Moralized, preached, lectured, ordered, directed, demanded___

Blamed, accused___

Withdrew, ignored (the "silent treatment")___

Contributed to a hostile atmosphere___

Pursued revenge, retaliation___

This is what I have done (and/or will do) to improve any early warning signs I experienced and repair the damage of any negative behaviors I’ve done this month: