Relationship Value Guide for Couples Counseling and Self-Help

The form of therapy with the poorest sustained success rate is couples counseling. But that’s misleading. Joint counseling of intimate partners faces challenges beyond those of its therapeutic cousins.

A primary obstacle to the long-term success of couples counseling is that partners tend to initiate it too late. This is like waiting to visit an oncologist until the tumor is visible or the pain is unbearable. Typically, one partner pleads for relationship therapy for years to no avail. Eventually, the recalcitrant partner senses (or is told) that the partner who has asked for counseling for years is fed up. At that point, it’s often too late; resentment has hardened into contempt, if not detachment.

Another obstacle to the sustained success of couples counseling is that partners who live together develop habituated routines. If the relationship is hurtful, they develop automatic defense systems, triggered by body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and disparate energy levels that seem to bring one down and overwhelm the other. In other words, the automatic defense system is typically triggered with no one doing anything wrong. Habits are difficult to change with therapeutic insight, which is processed in the brain much more slowly than habituated responses. Partners learn wonderful skills in couples counseling but find them difficult to practice in routine settings where habits dominate. The positive effects of insight fade quickly at home.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle to enduring success in couples therapy is the confusion of clients about the kind of relationship they want. They’ve been so focused on stopping what they don’t want that they’ve lost sight of what they truly desire.

Focusing on what you don’t want creates defensiveness and distance. Focusing on what you want to receive and what you want to give disarms most defensiveness and offers the best chance of getting the relationship you want.

The Relationship Value Guide below can help clarify the union you both truly desire. Each partner should complete it separately and then compare results.

Relationship Value Guide

With whom would you most want to share your moments of success, triumph, and joy?

1. My partner
2. Someone else
3. No one

Whom would you most want to be with if you suffered sorrow, failure, or loss?

1. My partner
2. Someone else
3. No one

If a meteor were predicted to crash into the earth with catastrophic results, with whom would you most want to spend your last hours?

1. My partner
2. Someone else
3. No one

How important is your relationship to you?

1. The most important thing in my life
2. Very important
3. Somewhat important
4. I'm fed up with it

What kind of relationship do you want to have with your partner?

1. Close
2. Supportive
3. Just friendly and cooperative (not close or supportive)
4. Just civil
5. None at all

What changes do you think you will need to make to achieve the kind of relationship you want in the future?

I will need to be (check all that apply):

1. Compassionate, kind
2. Loving, supportive
3. Generous of spirit (giving of yourself)
4. Aloof/withholding
5. Critical
6. Defensive
7. Resentful

Give both copies of the completed Relationship Value Guide to your couples therapist and ask for help in creating an action plan to build the relationship you want. Be open-minded in therapy and in negotiations with your partner.

Note: The Relationship Value Guide should not be used in cases of domestic violence or active emotional abuse—deliberately making partners afraid or feel bad about themselves. These are self-regulation issues; couples counseling is contraindicated in these instances.