The Self-Value in Kindness

The Golden Rule: Treat others as you want to be treated.

The Iron Rule: What we do to others, we do to ourselves.

The Platinum Rule: Self-value rises on the kindness we contribute to the world.

There is no behavior toward others, positive or negative, that does not affect us in the same positive or negative way. It’s obvious that feeling hate makes us hateful, feeling contempt makes us contemptuous, and compassion makes us humane. Yet we remain largely unaware of the effects our behavior toward others exact on our own well-being.

For instance, devaluing someone can make us paranoid, as we sense, on some level, that if we do it, others will, too. That’s why bullies can’t take criticism, much less bullying from others. Owning a gun makes us perceive the world as dangerous. You might have felt the world was dangerous before acquiring a gun, but not so much as afterward. People who buy a gun are likely to buy at least another one.

Fortunately, the double edge of behavior works as well with elevating emotions. We benefit from kind thoughts—wishing someone health, happiness, and well-being. Acting kindly toward someone makes us feel better about ourselves. The surest path to sustained self-value is thinking and behaving kindly.

In human interactions, especially in close relationships, there is little that is neutral. If we don’t put out kindness and respect, we’ll download disrespect and resentment.

Abandon the False Idol of Manipulation

We like to influence people, especially in close relationships. The desire to influence others positively is easily confused with manipulating for a desired response. If you think you’re behaving kindly but get a negative reaction, you may be using kind behavior to manipulate a certain response. Hell is paved with manipulation masked as kindness.

Here's an easy way to tell the difference: Kindness feels good, manipulation doesn’t.

The Transcendence of Kindness

When we realize the self-reward of behaving kindly, we transcend disappointment, rejection, failure, and attempts at exploitation.

The following are some of the benefits of kind thoughts and behavior. They:

• Regulate negative emotions (they're incompatible with resentment, anger, anxiety.)
• Help override bad habits
• Break down the prison of self-obsession
• Aid emotional healing
• Strengthen connections with friends and family
• Increase meaning and purpose
• Make us happier.

“No act of kindness, however small, is wasted.” – Aesop

"If we have no peace, it’s because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” – Mother Theresa

These are my favorite thoughts about kindness:

A passenger on a falling plane wrote a note to his family. He put it in a mint tin so it wouldn’t burn up. Though charred, the note recovered from the wreckage was readable. It read: "Be nice to each other."

Consider the many phone messages that came from the burning towers on 9/11. No one spoke of resentment or contempt or hatred or revenge, only kindness for loved ones.

A worker trapped in a collapsed mine, with his last breath, scribbled on a scrap of paper: “It’s not so bad, it’s like going to sleep.”

This may seem surprising, in our era of entitlement and narcissism; faced with their own deaths, many people think of comforting loved ones. And many regret not having been kinder to them.

Think of what you’ll regret when faced with your own death.

Daily Kindness Thoughts

For a better life, relatively free of regret, wish someone health, happiness, and well-being.

For 30 seconds, repeat:

“I wish (name) health...

“I wish (name) happiness…

“I wish (name) well-being.”

Daily Kindness Actions

Help someone, at least once a day, with kindness in your heart. This is crucial to your self-value. If you don’t help with kindness in your heart, your heart will fill with resentment.

Relationships Essential Reads

Married to Two People: The Romantic Life of Widows

How to Tell If a Friend or Partner Is a Leaf, Tree, or Root

“It’s not how much you do but how much love you put into the doing that matters.” - Mother Theresa