Reclaim Mother's Day: Put Yourself First Without Guilt

Source: Marga Santoso / Unsplash

Moms, you deserve to reclaim Mother's Day and make it truly a day that brings you joy.

Mother's Day is often filled with angst, guilt, and conflict. Mothers are particularly good at taking care of everyone else, wanting to please people, keeping the peace, and putting themselves last. And some Moms have a hard time accepting the love and attention they get on Mother’s Day. They feel guilty or unworthy, ruminating about all the times they screwed up as a parent (never mind that they do far more “right” than “wrong”).

It doesn’t have to be this way. Mother’s Day is the perfect time to stop people-pleasing and start taking care of your needs and asking for what you want. It’s not fair to expect your family to know what you want unless you spell it out.

Don’t do things out of obligation.

Have you been spending Mother’s Day the way you want? Do you feel obligated to spend time with your mother? Are you tired of having to pick out a gift for your mother-in-law, who makes snide comments about your cooking and parenting? Are you planning a big family gathering when you’d rather keep it simple? Are you celebrating the way your kids and husband want to instead of spending the day as you’d like?

Mothers need to take care of themselves, and that includes considering their own wants and needs. You don’t have to buy gifts, have a family dinner, or include every “Negative Norma” who sucks the joy out of your day. You can do things your way. This is one of the great joys of adulthood: You get to decide what’s best for you.

When you start to assert yourself and make changes, some may actively resist with angry words or puzzled looks, a guilt trip, or maybe some crying thrown in to manipulate you further. Please don’t fall for it. There are plenty of other days that you can take your mother to lunch or bring your mother-in-law flowers if you choose to. They should be able to understand that you have your own family and your own needs. And if they don’t respect this, politely tell them that this year you’re doing things differently, smile, and confidently remind yourself that your requests are perfectly reasonable. Remember, it takes time for people to adjust to change, so expect that others might not initially understand why you’re doing something different.

Let go of guilty feelings.

Once you’ve let people know what you want and what you won’t be doing this year, guilt tends to set in. Guilt is the result of feeling like you’ve done something wrong. However, saying no or planning something different doesn’t make you an uncaring daughter or a selfish daughter-in-law.

I find that it helps to step outside yourself to determine whether your behavior seems “wrong.” Imagine your friend told her mother that she’s bowing out of their traditional Mother’s Day brunch this year in favor of a day at the beach with her husband and 2-year-old. Your friend’s daughter has a hard time sitting through the brunch held at an upscale hotel, which results in your friend and her daughter being scolded by her mother. Do you think your friend is wrong to choose another way to spend the day? Is she responsible for her mother’s happiness? Should she invite her mother along to the beach? Does she have the right to do what she wants on Mother’s Day?

You may be wondering, what about compromise? Certainly, compromise is important in healthy relationships. Most importantly, compromise must go both ways. If you’re constantly giving in and sacrificing yourself to make other people happy, that’s people-pleasing, not compromising.

Ultimately, we all have to do what feels right to us. When you feel good about your choices, know they are the best you can do, and reflect your values, there is no need to feel guilty.

Start a new tradition.

Sometimes the best way to reclaim Mother’s Day (or any other holiday) is to start a new tradition. We easily get stuck doing things the way they’ve always been done, often long past the point of enjoying them or having them reflect our priorities.

If Mother’s Day is always fraught with tension in your family, perhaps you can opt to go out of town for the weekend or decide it’s the day you head out for a long hike all alone. Empower yourself to scale back your celebration, maybe make your meal a potluck instead of doing all the cooking yourself. There isn’t a right or wrong way to celebrate.

Mother’s Day can be a tough day for so many reasons—a difficult relationship with your mother, the loss of your mother, infertility, the loss of your own child, or being estranged from family members, to name just a few. You don’t have to be boxed in by the traditional or usual ways of spending this holiday. Honor what feels right for you. Mother’s Day isn’t a happy occasion for everyone, and choosing not to celebrate or honor your mother is completely valid.

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Consider your needs and wants.

How do you want to mark Mother’s Day? Use the following questions to clarify what you need and want.

• Who do you want to spend the day with?
• Are there people who are part of your usual Mother’s Day celebration that drain you or bring negative energy?
• Is it worthwhile to share your reasons for changing the way you spend Mother’s Day?
• What have you enjoyed about past Mother’s Days?
• What have you disliked about past Mother’s Days?
• What feels like more of an obligation than a joy?
• Are there ways to change or compromise on how to spend the day?
• If you could do anything you wanted on Mother’s Day, what would it be?
• How can you deal with others being disappointed or angry about how you spend Mother’s Day?

However you spend Mother’s Day, I hope it feels true and right for you.