Gut Check: Do You Truly Trust Yourself?

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In today's fast-paced and hyper-competitive world, the concept of self-trust often takes a backseat to the relentless pursuit of external validation and success. Many of us find ourselves caught in a constant cycle of striving for perfection, driven by the fear of judgment from others and the relentless pressure we impose on ourselves. But at what cost?

One of the primary obstacles to self-trust stems from the external pressures we face in our daily lives. From an early age, we're conditioned to seek approval and validation from others—whether it's our parents, teachers, peers, or society at large. We fear being perceived as incapable or lazy, so we push ourselves to constantly perform, to meet or exceed expectations lest we fall short and face the consequences of judgment and criticism. This all-or-nothing mentality leads to rigidity and greatly impacts how we talk to ourselves. The practice of giving ourselves grace or praise is overlooked and seems unnatural. Internal validation and providing space for ourselves are crucial components of maintaining a healthy relationship with ourselves.

This external pressure to conform to societal standards of success creates a pervasive sense of insecurity and self-doubt. We become hyper-aware of how others perceive us, constantly seeking validation and approval to validate our worth. As a result, our sense of self becomes contingent upon the opinions and judgments of others, eroding our confidence and undermining our ability to trust ourselves.

In addition to external pressures, our internal critic—that relentless voice of self-doubt and self-criticism—exacerbates the struggle of self-trust. Fueled by perfectionism and the constant need to prove ourselves, this inner voice sets impossibly high standards and berates us mercilessly when we fall short. It tells us that we're not good enough, that we need to do more and achieve more in order to be worthy of love.

The internal critic operates on a never-ending loop of comparison and self-judgment, driving us to push harder, work longer, and sacrifice our well-being in pursuit of an unattainable ideal. We become trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage, where no amount of external validation can quell the relentless demands of our inner critic.

Caught in the grip of external pressures and internal criticism, many of us cling to the promise of relaxation and enjoyment as a distant reward for our ceaseless efforts. We tell ourselves that once we've achieved our goals, met our deadlines, proven ourselves worthy in the eyes of others, then—and only then—can we allow ourselves to relax and enjoy life.

The reality is that this elusive promise of relaxation is just that: an illusion. We rarely give ourselves permission to truly unwind and savor the present moment, always looking ahead to the next challenge, the next hurdle to overcome. Self-care is happening, but it's common for these practices to be overshadowed because they are being multitasked. The concentration and patience needed to be present is, unfortunately, becoming an art form, and many of us are out of practice with it. As a result, we find ourselves trapped in a state of perpetual exhaustion, disconnected from ourselves and others, resentful of the relentless demands we place on ourselves.

The Reframe

The reframe starts with shifting our focus inward, tuning out the noise of external expectations, and aligning with the relentless chatter of our inner critic. Rather than dismiss and suppress this driver in us, we attempt to understand it. What is it trying to protect? What does it fear? How can it be soothed? It requires us to recognize that our worth is inherent and unchanging, not dependent on our achievements or the opinions of others. Easier said than done, I know, but this statement can serve as a daily reminder and reset. It’s challenging to subscribe to a new or updated mindset. Consistency and deliberate time for self-reflection and awareness generate reps, and it’s those very reps that result in habit and lasting change.

Cultivating self-trust also means practicing self-compassion and self-care, prioritizing our well-being, and honoring our needs and boundaries. It means embracing our imperfections and acknowledging that failure is not a reflection of our worth but an opportunity for growth and learning.

Most importantly, cultivating self-trust requires us to relinquish the illusion of control and surrender to the inherent uncertainty of life. It means embracing vulnerability and trusting in our ability to navigate whatever challenges may come our way, knowing that we have the resilience and inner strength to weather the storms. Trust that if you honor your boundaries and leave loose ends for another day, that you will complete them. Trust that you can deliver, and it doesn’t necessarily need to be right now. Certain to-do’s can wait while you attend to other roles, relationships, or tasks. These intrinsic boundaries are some of the most challenging to set, but they are some of the most important, since they tend to generate space for fun, relaxation, peace, and connection.

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Increasing Self-Awareness

Before diving into actionable steps, it's essential to cultivate self-awareness, the foundation upon which self-trust is built. Self-awareness involves tuning into your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without judgment, allowing you to understand yourself on a deeper level and recognize patterns that may be undermining your confidence and trust in yourself. You don’t have to engage or solve these problems.

• Mindfulness Practice: Dedicate time each day to mindfulness meditation or simply practicing present-moment awareness. Notice your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations without attaching judgment or trying to change them.
• Journaling: Set aside time for reflective journaling, where you can freely express your thoughts and feelings without censoring yourself. Explore recurring themes or patterns in your journal entries to gain insight into your inner world.
• Seek Feedback: Actively solicit feedback from trusted friends, family members, or mentors about how you're perceived and how your actions impact others. Be open to constructive criticism as an opportunity for growth.
• Self-Reflection: Take regular moments to pause and reflect on your experiences, both positive and negative. What lessons can you glean from past successes and failures? How can you apply these insights to future endeavors?

Actionable Steps for Cultivating Self-Trust

• Aligning With Your Inner Critic: Whenever your inner critic surfaces with self-doubt or self-criticism, challenge its validity. Ask yourself if these thoughts are based on facts or distorted perceptions. Practice self-compassion by offering yourself kindness and understanding. Omit the fear that these tactics will not diminish or compete with your drive, dedication, and productivity.
• Set Realistic Expectations: Identify unrealistic expectations you may be placing on yourself and adjust them to be more achievable and aligned with your values. Break larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks, celebrating progress along the way.
• Practice Assertiveness: Assert your boundaries and communicate your needs effectively with others. Learn to say "no" when necessary and prioritize activities that align with your values and goals.
• Celebrate Your Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Cultivate a mindset of gratitude for your strengths and successes, fostering a sense of self-confidence and worth.
• Embrace Failure as Growth: Shift your perspective on failure from a reflection of your inadequacy to an opportunity for learning and growth. Recognize that setbacks are inevitable on the path to success and resilience is built through adversity.
• Seek Support: Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, or professionals who uplift and encourage you. Share your struggles and vulnerabilities openly, knowing that you're not alone in your journey.

By increasing self-awareness and implementing these actionable steps, you can gradually cultivate a deeper sense of self-trust and resilience, empowering you to navigate life's challenges with confidence and authenticity. Remember, building self-trust is a journey, not a destination—so be patient and compassionate with yourself along the way.

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