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Key points
- Negative Sentiment Override is when you feel pessimistic about your relationship and your partner.
- Gettingf stuck in Negative Sentiment Override can lead to a breakup.
- There are several proven techniques to build a positive perspective in your relationship.
Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) is when you are stuck in seeing the negative side of your partner and your relationship. It can feel like things are pretty hopeless after a conflict or disagreement. You may struggle to see positive attributes in your partner and focus too much on what you don’t like about them. In John Gottman’s research, he found that couples in distress were more often in a state of NSO, and without getting out of it, it could lead a relationship to end. He also found that those in NSO struggled with the friendship in their relationship.
Take the following quiz to see if you may be on NSO.
Answer the following questions about your most recent conflict discussion:
- True or False: The problem we discussed was not my fault.
- True or False: It was hard to listen to my partner.
- True or False: In the discussion, I felt wrongfully accused.
- True or False: I had thoughts about all the times my partner wronged me in the past.
- True or False: During the discussion, I felt attacked by my partner.
- True or False: I felt our problems were too big to solve.
- True or False: In the discussion, I felt criticized by my partner.
- True or False: After the conflict, I felt hopeless about the future of our relationship.
- True or False: I just want the negativity in our relationship to stop.
- True or False: I felt everything about our relationship was too hard.
If you answered True more than 3 times, you may be in Negative Sentiment Override.
What can you do to get out of Negative Sentiment Override?
Since the opposite of NSO is the positive perspective, there are ways to turn things around. To get out of NSO, you want to see your partner and your relationship in a more positive way. When you are in the positive perspective, conflicts don’t seem as consuming and you are still able to see your partner's positive attributes. Here are some ways to get there
Turn Toward. In Gottman’s research, he found two ways you can respond to a bid for connection from your partner. Bids for connections are any interactions you have with your partner to find a way to connect like asking about their day or bringing them a small gift. The two responses are: turning toward, which would be to respond positively; and engage further while turning away, which would be rejecting that bid for connection.
Create Shared Meaning. Shared meaning is all the ways that you make your relationship special. Rituals of connection are the ways you connect on a regular basis with your partner like saying goodbye when you leave for work, date nights, celebrating holidays, or bedtime routines. Things like this can help build the positive perspective.
Accept Influence. Gottman’s research also shows that partners who accept influence from each other are better at managing conflict and have a more collaborative relationship. Working on compromising and acting as a team can also help you out of NSO.
Build Love Maps. Love maps represent how much we know about, and feel known by, our partner. Learning about a partner’s likes, dislikes, and life outside of the relationship can help build a positive picture of them in our minds. Feeling known by our partner makes us feel more positive about the relationship as well.
Increase Fondness and Admiration. There are many ways to increase the fondness in our relationship. Share appreciations to each other, think about your relationship strengths, and focus on good moments/memories and what made you fall in love. Building fondness and admiration for each other is an important way to get into the positive perspective and out of NSO.
If you are struggling therapy can be a great tool. A therapist can help you navigate through NSO and build on the things you need to get into the positive perspective.
