Can Couples Heal From Betrayals?

Betrayal

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A common reason couples seek out therapy is for some type of betrayal in their relationship. Sometimes they come in within weeks of it happening but I have also had couples come in many years after the betrayal to seek help. Some cases are a single betrayal the couple is working through, while others may have involved a cluster or repeated betrayals over the years. For these couples, trust has been shattered by the person they thought they could trust most. It’s one of the more difficult issues to work with in couples therapy. In a sense, it's easier to teach communication skills to a conflict-avoidant couple but you can’t just teach rebuilding trust. It takes time and many different steps to work through.

Relationship researcher John Gottman has specifically looked at treating affairs and is currently researching the effectiveness of treatment approaches. Based on previous research his team developed the Atone, Attune, Attach model. This process starts with the Atone phase, in which the hurt partner’s trauma is processed and the betrayer answers questions about the betrayal non-defensively. That phase can take several sessions or many sessions and does not have a specific beginning and end. When the couple has completed that phase they spend time working on building attunement; working through conflict and addressing unhealthy behaviors. The couple works on building their new relationship. In the last phase—attachment—the couple works on rebuilding intimacy in the relationship. It’s what I use in my practice and it can be a long, painful process. Couples I see spend longer in therapy when they are working on recovery from betrayal.

There are several different subtypes of relationship betrayal. There is sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity, and financial infidelity as well as lying, abuse, and breaking promises. No matter the type of betrayal, the response to the victim feels pretty similar. In Holmes's 2023 study, he found several different responses victims typically have: Anger, sadness, hurt, and confusion were frequently reported. There was also a theme of a strong desire to understand why the betrayal happened. Many clients I’ve seen in therapy tend to focus on this. It seems like if they can understand a reason for why it happened, it may be easier to heal. The study also noted that participants had problems with self-worth, their own identity, and judgment of themselves. It can be a normal response to try to find a reason to blame yourself—and any betrayal can impact self-esteem. The study also found that the betrayal impacted relationship dynamics. Participants reported on confrontations, withdrawals, and how attempts at reconciling happened. Coping skills were also discussed in this study and participants were able to identify strategies they used to get through such a difficult time.

Looking at how couples navigate forgiveness and what lets some couples repair after a betrayal, we try to find what makes some couples successful. One study by Finkel looked at the level of commitment being a factor. Past research has found that a positive view of the relationship before betrayal helps a couple repair. In Finkel's study, couples were surveyed on their experiences with betrayal in the relationship. They found that higher-rated commitments were associated with higher reported forgiveness. In my experiences with couples dealing with betrayal, this makes sense: Couples that have a higher level of commitment tend to value commitment more. Even when hurt, these couples tend to put more effort into repairing things because of their value of staying together.

Can you heal from betrayal?

We know that it’s hard work to repair a relationship after a betrayal. It’s important to address it as soon as you can, which means letting your partner know if you’ve discovered it instead of waiting for them to come clean, and reaching out for professional help sooner rather than later. Couples that try to ignore the betrayal or avoid it because it’s so painful tend to have a harder time repairing trust in their relationship. Many people fear the relationship ending but you have a better chance of staying together if you start the process of honesty as soon as you can. The longer information is kept from your partner the harder it can be to re-establish trust.

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