Why Some Long-Term Couples Still Fight

It seems like they’ve been together forever. They co-exist in their relationship and it is quietly boring, except for the periodic flare-ups. Often, what couples term “boredom” is a cover-up for long-standing but hidden resentment. The operative word here is “hidden.” Nearly every couple is going to experience flare-ups in response to an immediate situation, the occasional squabble, the slamming-door exit, or the exasperated burst of tears.

Anger can help, but…

Squabbles and even a fiery outburst can be helpful if it brings the real issues out in the open for resolution. In other words, occasional arguments don’t lead to long-term relationship turn-offs. However, the kind of anger that undermines a couple’s relationship is alive and well when, for one reason or another, it is not worked out.

Here are some reasons:

• The anger is not voiced. One partner or the other harbors resentment but does not bring it to the other’s attention.
• The anger is not recognized. Not only do you keep it from your partner, but you keep it from yourself, either by denial or minimizing (“I’m not angry, I’m just annoyed”).

In both instances, the issue behind the anger is not resolved. Unresolved anger does not simply evaporate; it remains in the relationship and saps positive energy that could be directed toward romance.

Angry intentions

Sometimes anger is intentionally used to keep intimacy at a distance. A signal that this is occurring is when things are going along well in the relationship and suddenly one partner notices something annoying and picks a fight. Although the tension caused by the fear of intimacy is played out through anger, it is rarely recognized as such on a conscious level. Instead, it often results in sexual indifference.

Harold’s experience…

Harold, a 56-year-old man engaged to be married for the second time, used anger in anticipation of closeness. Here is what he had to say:

“I was very attracted to Andrea. We both had incredibly busy weekdays with highly responsible jobs. We spent the entire weekend together, and I really looked forward to being with her, being with her sexually, as well as just hanging out. But, as much as I looked forward, I always managed to pick a fight with Andrea on Friday night and screw up the weekend.

I would promise myself I would not do it the next weekend, but there was always something that bothered me and I couldn’t help myself, I would lose it. Sometimes I would leave in a rage, other times I stayed but we weren’t intimate sexually. Finally, I went back to therapy and figured out that I was afraid of the commitment after coming through a horrible divorce. When I worked that out our time began to go much better. It is incredible that my fear sabotaged me that way. My anger felt very legitimate, but it was a defense. That’s frightening!”

Fear masquerading as anger

Many couples genuinely want to be emotionally close to each other and share a passionate lovemaking partnership, but as with Harold, they reach a certain point and their fears take over. One may start complaining about the other’s spending, for example, or one may actually spend too much knowing full well that his or her partner will be put off. The issue splits them apart for a time and then they become close again, until they reach a point of closeness that one or the other is uncomfortable with and the pattern of sabotage repeats itself. Digging into what's really being played out is not always easy, but it is always critical for resolution.