13 Attitudes That Lead to Better Sex

All the tried-and-true advice about the power of positive thinking in life applies to sex, too. Attitudes can be positive or negative. In sex, as in all other human endeavors, the former lifts you up, and the latter pulls you down.

John and Sally's Experience

"John was convinced that our sex life would deteriorate after marriage, and so it did," Sally said. "We had great sex before we were married. Our sexual appetites were compatible. We had no performance problems. I was equally convinced that things grew stale because he strongly believed they would. He made fun of my attempts to put the sizzle back in our relationship, calling them ‘women’s magazine games.'

"On our second anniversary, I gave him an ultimatum: He could accompany me to a marriage-enrichment weekend or sit down with me and figure out how to divide our property in divorce. I wasn’t kidding. We went to the weekend seminar. It was a turning point for us. John began to shed some of his cynicism about life in general–and marriage and sex in particular. We’ve come a long way since then."

Do you doubt that a change of attitude can really change your sex life? Try an experiment. Whenever you think, for example, “My partner doesn’t have orgasms during intercourse because she’s frigid,”–replace the thought with, “My partner and I together can learn more about what she needs to have an orgasm during intercourse.”

The right attitude is energizing, and positive actions often follow positive thoughts. Here are the basic attitudes toward sexy sex:

1. Knowledge. Knowledge is sexual power. Some of our society’s beliefs about sex are misinformation: Women who aren’t orgasmic during intercourse are frigid. Men who ejaculate quickly have intimacy problems. A man who loses his erection during lovemaking is angry at his partner.
2. Courage. Good sex takes a little courage. Don’t allow fear and embarrassment to limit your sexual behavior. Fear of failure, of looking “silly,” of not living up to one’s or a partner’s expectations can stop couples from trying new techniques, experimenting with different positions, or asking for the kind of love they secretly crave.
3. Freedom. True sexual freedom is freedom from the tyranny of “shoulds.” Lovemaking is about “wants,” not “shoulds.” What do you and your partner want? That is what matters, not what you think you should want.
4. Involvement. The most intense satisfaction comes from being involved with your partner. If you are busy monitoring your performance, you won’t be sufficiently involved to have great sex.
5. Trust. The best sex happens when two people feel safe enough with each other to be vulnerable. To let go of inhibitions, nearly everyone needs to feel confident of being fully accepted by their partner.
6. Generosity. In sex, as in life, those who are able to give and share enhance their own and others’ experiences.
7. Communication. You are an effective communicator if you can say what you want accurately without causing unnecessary hurt. That may be even more important in the bedroom than anywhere else.
8. Loving context. The most fulfilling sex over time occurs between partners who love each other.
9. Willingness to seek help. Sometimes, couples have sexual difficulties they can’t overcome alone. Rather than allowing those problems to tear down the relationship, the couple with a good attitude seeks professional help to facilitate a resolution.
10. Good health. Taking care of yourself pays off in every aspect of life, including sex. When you feel good, you experience everything more richly than when you are plagued by illness or physical disabilities. Some physical ailments can’t be avoided, but good personal habits increase your odds of staying healthy.
11. Egalitarianism. Sexism puts people in simplistic and limiting categories: The man should initiate sex. The woman should be submissive. And so forth. Insulting and off-putting, a narrow sexist attitude on the part of one or both partners virtually guarantees the erotic experience will be as limited as the mindset.
12. Sensuality. Sex is much more than orgasm. It is an erotic process that can be enjoyed immensely at each stage. When both partners are focused on sensual pleasure, they experience sex more fully.
13. Humor. We take sex far too seriously. Sex is supposed to be fun, and sometimes it’s funny, too. Couples who can laugh at an awkward moment suffer from less performance anxiety than those who can’t.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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