Women, Body Image, and Sexuality

Jim thinks Deborah doesn’t want to make love because she’s too tired or “too enthralled” with their 6-month-old baby to have desire for him:

I thought our sex life would have returned to normal by now, and I’m disappointed that it hasn’t. I’m crazy about my son, but I feel left out sometimes. There doesn’t seem to be room for me anymore. Her job and the baby take up all her time and energy. She’s oblivious to most of my sexual overtures.

“Wrong,” Deborah says. Far from oblivious, she knows he wants sex, but she’s avoiding him:

Before pregnancy, I couldn’t wait to go to bed; it was something I really looked forward to. From the time I started to get big, right up to the present, I’ve waited until he’s asleep before I go to bed. And it’s not that I’m too tired or am suffering from some kind of hormone thing; it’s my body. I’m 20 pounds heavier than I was before I got pregnant, and I can’t seem to lose weight. My breasts and belly have stretch marks. I have little broken veins behind my legs and across my thighs. The scar from the caesarian is ugly. I look at myself in the mirror and think, who, but a very horny man, would even consider having sex with me? I just don’t feel attractive. Jim says he loves me very much, but how could he?

Inevitable Physical Change

Deborah’s response is a common reaction to the physical changes wrought by pregnancy and childbirth. Many women are similarly disaffected by the sight of their own aging bodies. A woman in her 50s may use menopause as the excuse for giving up on sex because, secretly, she cannot imagine how her partner could desire her body in middle age. And, sadly, the women who report the greatest dissatisfaction with their bodies are teenagers and those in their early 20s. Their relatively firm bodies and unwrinkled skin may be envied by older women, but they rate themselves less-than-supermodel quality and, thus, not good enough.

Have you ever noticed that many women considered very sexy by men aren’t classically beautiful women? They may be a little on the heavy side or may no longer be young or have uneven features, but they exude sex appeal because they are passionate human beings. While most people admire physical beauty, they really value a lover’s passion more than his or her looks. Repeatedly, men tell sex researchers that they want responsiveness over attractiveness. And many men continue to see their partners in their minds as the women looked when they fell in love with them.

The Top 5 Female Body Issues

1. Weight. Most women think they are at least 5 to 10 pounds overweight.
2. Breast size. Too large or too small. Few women believe they are just right.
3. Signs of aging. Sagging skin, drooping breasts, thickened middles, varicose veins. The tendency of some older men to prefer much younger women exacerbates the problem.
4. Thighs. They must be thin, thin, thin. As one man put it, “It’s a woman thing. Sure, men notice, but it’s no big deal; women go over the top about this.”
5. Scars from pregnancy and childbirth. Stretch marks, caesarian scars, stretched vaginas.

How You Can Learn to Love Your Body

• Let go of unrealistic standards. Few of us ever look like the models, actors, and actresses to whom we relentlessly compare ourselves and our partners. In fact, even models and actors don’t look like themselves before make-up artists, hairdressers, designers, and good photographers put them together.
• Do something positive to improve your appearance. You can improve overall body tone with exercise. You can dress to flatter your body type. You can even wear a little something sexy to bed.
• Practice creative visualization. Examine your nude body from all angles, preferably in front of a full-length mirror. Stand, kneel. Pull up a chair and sit. Spend at least 15 minutes looking at yourself without being critical. Then, explore your entire body with your hands. Repeat the exercise a few days later and keep repeating it until you accept what you see and enjoy the feel of your own skin.

How You Can Help Your Partner Learn to Love Her Body

• Praise your partner’s lovemaking ability. Let her know the ways in which you are pleased. “I love the way you touch me," etc.
• Focus on her best features. Maybe she has beautiful hair. Or she has wonderful eyes and a strong jawline.
• Encourage positive changes. If she is trying to lose weight, don’t sabotage the diet. Participate in her exercise program when you can. And don’t fail to compliment progress.