Gentle Parenting Doesn't Mean Permissive Parenting

Co-authored by Sarah MacLaughlin, LSW

You may have heard the term “gentle” used to describe a particular parenting style—but what does this actually mean? It seems like there are more parenting labels than ever; they can be confusing and cause divisiveness among parents and caregivers.

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How Do We Define Parenting Styles?

Over 50 years ago, research from clinical and developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind brought understanding of three distinct parenting styles; later, researchers Maccoby and Martin added a fourth (Muraco et al, n.d.). These four approaches fall on a scale of low to high in two areas: demandingness and support. Here are descriptions of the four styles:

1. Authoritarian: This approach is strict with a focus on obedience, characterized by a high level of demand, but a low level of support (Muraco et al, n.d.). Authoritarian parenting is criticized for being punitive and lacking in its observance of child autonomy and consent.
2. Permissive: When caregivers bring a low level of demand, but a high level of support it is considered a permissive approach. Sometimes called “indulgent” parenting, this style avoids limits and conflict and is criticized for often failing to foster a child’s future happiness or self-regulation skills (Muraco et al, n.d.).
3. Authoritative: Sometimes called the “tender teacher” approach, this style balances high demand with high support (Muraco et al, n.d.). This firm and kind style is typically considered optimal for children and leads to happy, well-adjusted adults.
4. Uninvolved: This fourth style is one of low support and low demand or expectation—it is sometimes referred to as neglectful parenting as it generally speaks to caregivers that don’t fulfil many parenting duties on either side of the demandingness and support rubric (Muraco et al, n.d.).

Under these four umbrella terms, there are a myriad of more distinct styles and labels ranging from “tiger mothering” (typically authoritarian) to "positive parenting" (typically authoritative) to “snowplow parenting” (typically permissive)—and many more that we won’t delve into. In today’s constant bombardment of parenting guidance, labels, and reasons to wonder if you’re doing enough, it can be helpful to ground ourselves in the basics.

Where Does Gentle Parenting Fall?

Gentle parenting is an approach that sounds like it might fall under the label of “permissive”—because if you’re being gentle, you’re not making any demands, right? Not exactly. Gentle parenting falls under the label of authoritative parenting. Think gentle, as in not harsh or punitive, as opposed to gentle as in not firm or demanding. Think gentle, as in emotionally safe and responsive.

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Consider insisting that it’s time for a toddler to have their diaper changed. A gentle parenting approach might include stopping a child from engaging in other activities (i.e., holding the limit) while empathizing with their distress and waiting for their consent.

All children dislike it when they can’t do or have what they want. While it can be challenging for caregivers to endure a child’s upset, all limits can be held with empathy and understanding of a child’s developmental capacity to tolerate frustration. This approach is not permissive but is certainly gentler than one that is demanding without the critical aspect of support.

What Really Matters?

For children to develop in a healthy manner, they depend on their relationships with parents, caregivers, and other important people in their lives (Williams et, 2019). They also depend on those adults to provide safe, stable, and nurturing relationships.

In general, children raised with an authoritative approach that combines high, reasonable, and consistent expectations with warmth, responsiveness, and reasoning to guide behavior (rather than coercion), tend to develop greater competence and self-confidence (Muraco et al, n.d.). Gentle parenting from a consistent adult emphasizes a positive, stable attachment relationship—one where caregivers treat a child gently, and with care.