6 Ways for Couples to Avoid Pointless Arguments

Source: Jakob Owens / Unsplash

A 2024 study published in Personal Relationships found that during relationship conflicts, pausing to internally reflect about the situation can significantly lower distress and raise one’s “self-efficacy,” or their confidence in their ability to manage the conflict appropriately. Higher self-efficacy, in turn, enhances relationship satisfaction and constructive behaviors in a conflict.

The authors suggest that most people already know which behaviors would benefit conflict resolution and simply need some time to reflect on these tools. They gave participants a reflective exercise for a recent, significant conflict with their partner, asking them to reflect on the following six questions:

1. Reflect on why the conflict happened.
2. Reflect on how the conflict should have been handled.
3. Reflect on how conflicts should generally be dealt with.
4. Reflect on how people should generally respond to conflicts in their relationship.
5. Reflect on why this kind of response makes sense.
6. Reflect on what would be most helpful for dealing with future conflicts.

The researchers found that this exercise encourages participants to engage in intentional and constructive self-reflection, become more objective and mindful about their responses in conflicts, and better understand how to navigate such situations in the future.

Relationship Mindfulness as a Conflict Resolution Tool

“Even when people possess the knowledge and skill to problem-solve effectively in their relationships, being highly upset with their partners or having low efficacy in their ability to resolve conflicts may impede their ability to effectively mobilize that knowledge and skill,” the researchers explained.

The researchers’ reflective exercise allows couples to tap into their intuition regarding what would be truly beneficial in the moment and then apply this knowledge, rather than giving in to more impulsive responses when emotions are heightened: “Our findings suggest that when people take even 10 minutes to thoughtfully reflect on their relationship conflicts, it can lead to meaningful improvements in their readiness to handle future conflicts."

Rather than avoiding the conflict and the uncomfortable emotions associated with it—which is often detrimental to relationships—such exercises enable partners to turn toward each other and view the conflict as a third party that must be addressed. This curbs the “me versus you” mindset and enhances the feeling of being a team, even in the midst of conflict.

Additionally, a 2021 study highlights the role of “mindful partnering” in enhancing relationship quality and the sense of meaning experienced in a relationship. “A relationship in which both partners are interpersonally mindful is a relationship where both partners are present with each other, are aware of and care how each other are feeling, take a pause before reacting in conflict, show compassion toward each other and have self-compassion for themselves,” wrote lead researcher Natasha Seiter.

In fact, research shows that couples can help each other solve problems by extending emotional support, empathy, compassion and positive feedback about their problem-solving abilities, which enhances their self-efficacy. In contrast, when partners are unresponsive, hostile or critical, it drastically lowers relationship satisfaction and exacerbates conflict.

Mindfulness Essential Reads

How to Encourage Our Kids to Eat Greens

Does Yoga Help Reduce Schizophrenia Symptoms?

Further, how someone responds to a partner after a conflict also impacts how they reconnect. Research shows that behaviors that help couples emotionally recover from conflicts include engaging in “active repair attempts” by acknowledging one’s role in the conflict and apologizing or attempting to gain a new perspective.

Mindfulness exercises and journaling are helpful tools to gain some perspective, lower distress, learn from a conflict and extend forgiveness.

While particularly effective in addressing smaller, everyday issues, these practices also lay a foundation for long-term relationship health and resilience. For couples grappling with more profound or persistent challenges, seeking support from a couple’s therapist can provide the necessary guidance to navigate deeper, underlying issues.

Overall, embracing relationship mindfulness empowers couples to continually evolve together, overcome challenges collaboratively and to start viewing conflicts as opportunities for growth and connection.

A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.