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Key points
- Anger can point someone toward their unmet needs.
- Fear frequently lurks underneath the anger.
- Anger often arises when people feel like their boundaries have been violated.
- Anger may also indicate an obstacle that is blocking someone from reaching their goals.
Most of us would rather move through life feeling calm and joyful, so why do we get angry? Anger is an emotion, and emotions serve as a kind of personal GPS. They alert us to what is happening in our lives and help us recognize what is important to us, and as such, they inform our actions.
When we are on track, we feel happy or at least content. When we feel sad, it’s often because we have lost something important or valuable. Like every other emotion, anger serves an important purpose: It gives us feedback. It tells us that something important has gone wrong and pushes us to rectify the situation.
Fear underneath anger
Fear and anger are both emotional responses that are closely interconnected and can often be experienced together or trigger one another. While fear and anger are distinct emotions, they can influence and feed off each other in various ways. Underneath anger, there is often fear. You can almost always insert the words “because I was afraid that” after you acknowledge your anger. For example:
- “I was angry at him because I was afraid that he didn’t respect me.”
- “I was angry because I was afraid that I was being rejected.”
- “I was angry at myself because I was afraid that I had failed again.”
Understanding the interplay between fear and anger can help individuals recognize and manage their emotions more effectively.
Four core needs
Anger can point you toward a core need that isn’t being met. It helps indicate our location in four dimensions: survival, integrity, love, and actualization. Each of these is a fundamental need of every human being. You may become angry when you feel threatened, when you’ve been taken advantage of, when you feel rejected or disrespected, or when you are blocked from doing something that matters to you.
When you feel angry, ask yourself what core needs are not being met:
- Is my safety or well-being threatened?
- Has something happened that is wrong or unfair?
- Do I feel unloved, rejected, or disrespected?
- Is something preventing me from reaching my goals?
Anger generally points to one of the four core needs.
When you understand this, you can learn to deal with these needs on a conscious level, transforming anger into self-love and personal growth.
Anger and boundary violation
Anger often arises when we feel our boundaries have been violated. To violate someone’s boundaries is to interfere with their ability to meet their own needs. That is the case with whichever of the four needs is at issue in a given situation. Suppose a man tells his wife she shouldn’t order a substantial dinner. If she is hungry, she will wish to meet her own physiological need for satisfying food, and his interference crosses a boundary. If a woman tells her husband she thinks it is pointless for him to apply to graduate school, she is crossing a boundary in a way that affects his desire to seek education and need for self-actualization.
Anger can help you understand where your boundaries are and when they have been violated. Anger indicates that what you possess is intrinsically valuable and that those who abuse you, disrespect you, or take your time, generosity, or love for granted either do not belong in your world or must be informed that they crossed your boundaries.
In addition, anger can push you to reset your boundaries and restore your sense of self. It can give you the motivation and energy to protect yourself and respond effectively to others. If necessary, anger can help you enforce your boundaries. It serves as a protective purpose and prevents you from being manipulated, taken advantage of, or victimized. Without anger, you would have no shield to protect your boundaries.
Four generic factors that lead to anger
Anger often arises when you experience these four elements:
- The issue at hand seems personal, relevant, and important to you.
- You judge the situation as dangerous, unfair, hurtful, or limiting, and you want to correct what seems wrong.
- You believe you lack the resources or coping skills to resolve the situation calmly.
- You are not able or willing to tolerate the distressing experience or let it go.
The combination of these four interrelated factors creates an overwhelming situation, an “unacceptable condition,” that makes you feel weak, helpless, and trapped—provoking you to either express the anger externally or direct it internally. When your sense of self is challenged or threatened, you may feel compelled to defend your identity and values. Anger motivates you to protect yourself and address what is wrong—to make it right.
Other aspects that impact our anger
Anger is also impacted by biological and physiological factors. For example, hormonal imbalances, such as increased levels of testosterone or decreased levels of serotonin, may influence the intensity and frequency of anger responses. We can learn patterns of anger from our childhood, environment, or cultural influences. If anger was frequently expressed or tolerated in our surroundings, we may adopt it as a learned response in similar situations. As such, anger may become a habit.
Conclusion
Every human being has four fundamental needs: safety, integrity, love, and actualization. When anger arises, it can always be traced to one of these core needs going unmet. You can also think of anger as an indication that a boundary has been crossed. When you understand why you are angry, you can seek to meet your core need in a way that works for you and for those around you. By doing this, you can begin to improve your livelihood to have a more fulfilling life.
