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Key points
- To be compassionate is to see the true nature of the suffering we all face.
- Compassion is a deep, heartfelt concern for the well-being of others.
- The ultimate aim of compassion is creating greater unity and harmony.
When we see what we are all up against—when we see the suffering and struggle that all humans face—the only response that makes sense is simple compassion. The Dalai Lama said, "Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive."
What Is Compassion?
Compassion is the quality of being attuned to people and attending to their needs. It involves the desire to be moved by suffering and the motivation to help alleviate and prevent it. Genuine compassion is a deep, heartfelt concern for the well-being of others. It overcomes the human tendency toward selfishness. We can also extend compassion to ourselves, paying attention to our own needs and feelings in a respectful, gentle way.
Foundation of Compassion
Compassion is comprised of three fundamental principles: awareness, kindness, and openness.
Awareness is the prerequisite. As a starting point, we must be clear about who we are in the present moment—not who we wish or hope to be, and not how others see us or want us to be.
Kindness is an extension of awareness. It allows us to welcome reality and the present moment with gentleness. In kindness, we learn to appreciate who we are, accepting ourselves where we are without judgment, while becoming willing to drop false identities and heal our wounds gently. Kindness toward the self decreases reactivity and also leads to an increased appreciation of others.
Openness involves keeping a sense of curiosity about whatever emerges in our experience. It asks us to let go of our natural human inclination to hold strongly to opinions, biases, and expectations. It invites us to experience life without attaching ourselves to a particular outcome. Openness gives you a broader perspective; it frees you from a limited view. When your views become less fixed and more fluid, you create more room for compassion to naturally arise.
Exercise Compassion
To be compassionate is to see the true nature of the suffering we all face. One who feels compassion views pain, disrespect, injustice, and other challenging emotions and situations without judgment, and then acts empathetically and assertively to address the issue, with the ultimate aim of creating value and greater unity and harmony in the world.
Compassion for Others
When you learn to empathize with others, recognizing that each of us struggles with difficult situations and negative emotions, you develop a broader perspective on humanity. You are able to put yourself in another person’s place and view him or her with understanding.
Everyone is doing the best they can. The next time you’re tempted to blame someone for your unhappiness, stop and use compassion to counter your negative thoughts.
Ask yourself:
- What if that person didn’t have the capacity to act differently?
- Would it change the way you relate to him or her?
- Would you have more compassion for that person?
When we see others living unsuccessfully, it’s because of limited ability, perspective, resources, or skills. Imagine the person who has wronged you as having done the very best he or she could, under the circumstances, even if the outcome fell far below your expectations. Notice how this changes the way you relate to the situation and the person. What does this perspective create inside you?
If you can view other people’s anger as a call for help or as a message that they are in pain, you will be wiser and more generous in your response. This not only benefits your interpersonal relationships—it’s also good for your own soul. Compassion restores calm and diffuses volatile situations. You are able to respond positively to others, respecting and appreciating how they are feeling. Instead of lashing out when others disappoint us or disagree with us, we can show compassion and understanding. In addition, when you care for others, focus your attention on their distress or needs, feel concern for them, and work toward providing them with what they need, you are rewarded by observing their growing well-being.
Compassion for Self
Self-compassion is a positive and caring attitude toward oneself, even during times of difficulty and failure, when self-criticism may naturally arise. Just as we strive to be gentle and kind to others when they experience hardship, it is healthy and constructive to treat ourselves the same way.
Self-compassion comes from understanding and accepting the universality of our core needs along with the need to avoid suffering and gain happiness. It also acknowledges that often we simply don’t know how to go about achieving these fundamental desires. When you develop kindness toward yourself, you can more easily move through difficult situations, which ultimately enables you to notice possibilities for becoming happier and more effective.
How do you develop self-compassion? The first step—and probably the most important one—is relating to yourself with acceptance, no matter what comes. This begins with mindfulness—that is, with the intention to be aware of our own painful experiences in a balanced way, one that neither avoids nor amplifies painful thoughts and emotions. When we are mindfully aware of personal suffering, we are able to extend compassion to ourselves.
Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion
Here are additional ways to develop and strengthen your capacity for self-compassion:
- Realize that difficult times are a normal part of the human experience.
- Other people have similar issues, too; you are not alone in this situation.
- Remind yourself that everything in life passes, including difficult situations.
- Talk to someone you trust who will help you see the big picture.
- Be gentle with yourself. Avoid beating yourself up when you feel down.
- Talk to yourself with compassion. Be kind in what you say to yourself.
- Avoid comparing yourself to others.
- Meet yourself where you are and gently and gradually improve your position.
- Accept your struggles and challenges. Failures are part of your story toward becoming your best self.
Conclusion
Cultivating compassion invites you to abandon the struggle of the ego, which allows you to move toward the highest version of yourself. Compassion opens the door to greater connection with others. It promotes a soft response toward the undesirable events we inevitably experience in life.
When you adopt the attitude of compassion, you move from criticism to forgiveness, from separation to unity, and from anger to grace. You meet everyone (including yourself) with unconditional love and without blame or judgment, while aspiring toward peace and harmony.
