Redefining Confrontation, From Negative to Positive

For many people, the word confrontation holds negative connotations. Often they will say that they hate confrontation or are afraid of it. They associate confrontation with anger, rejection, abuse, and loss of relationships.

This negative association is typically founded on painful past experiences that cause people to shrink back and avoid all conflict. It feels threatening to even think of confronting another when a behavior or aspect of the relationship needs to change.

However, confrontation is necessary at times for personal growth and relational change. It is the way confrontation is defined and implemented that can feel threatening, counterproductive, and even dangerous.

The counsel in this post is not for those in a relationship with an abusive, violent, or highly manipulative person. That situation requires a different set of interventions to establish safety and care. These suggestions are directed toward people in relationships in which there is a foundation of mutual goodwill. Problems and tensions may have developed and communication may have broken down. One or both individuals are having difficulty expressing their feelings honestly because of a fear of conflict.

Defining confrontation

Douglas Polcin has researched the use of confrontation in drug and alcohol treatment centers. He points out that early in the recovery movement, harsh and humiliating types of confrontation were used in group settings to break down patients’ denial about their substance use problems.

This approach best fits the phrase clashing of forces. Treatment providers were saying to someone in denial, essentially, “Despite your unwillingness to admit it, your drug use is damaging you and everyone around you, and we insist that it needs to stop.”

This was deemed necessary to save the lives of those with the most severe problems, and, in some cases, it did motivate them to engage in treatment.

However, the potential downsides to this are evident. Treating patients harshly, hurtfully, or disrespectfully goes against the ethical standards of all helping professions. While one patient might respond well to this kind of treatment, another might be destroyed by it.

The cardinal rule for those providing care is “Do no harm.”

Poulson describes motivational interviewing as a modality that replaced this type of strong confrontation with a gentler, collaborative, reflective stance on the part of clinicians, who primarily ask questions to help clients explore their readiness for change, the specific changes they wish to make, and how they will take action when ready.

This approach emphasizes the face-to-face aspect of the definition of confrontation rather than conjuring up fear, threats of rejection, or feelings of hostility.

Confronting well

With this in mind, it is possible to confront someone face-to-face without their experiencing it as harsh or overly “confrontational.” Instead of eliciting fear, we can encourage openness to change. It can be done wisely, gently, and compassionately, whether the confronter is a clinician, a spouse, a friend, a co-worker, or a parent.

Here are some tips for confronting well, with corresponding examples:

• Use “I-language”: I feel worried and frustrated when you stay late at work and don’t call to let me know."
• Share observations, not criticisms: “I’ve noticed that you are isolating yourself in your room a lot and not doing your chores."
• Ask open-ended questions: "How do you think we could better manage our finances so we stop fighting about money?"
• Focus on the behavior, not the person: “I’m wondering why you haven’t been returning my calls or emails lately. Have I done something to upset you?”
• Affirm the value of the person and the relationship between you: “It’s really important that we can talk honestly about problems that come up. I don’t ever want resentment to build up between us, because I care so much about you and our friendship.”
• Never confront when angry or upset: “Can we talk about what just happened this afternoon after I’ve had a chance to calm down and think?”
• Accept that the person may not be ready to change: “I believe that you’d like to get a better job, but maybe it all feels a bit overwhelming right now. How can I help?”
• Make requests, not demands: “Your drinking seems to have gotten out of control recently. I’m concerned about how it is affecting the kids. Would you consider getting into treatment? Can we talk about it?"
• Be prepared to have a series of conversations, not just one: "We’ve been through a lot of losses and changes over the past few years, and it’s taken a toll on our marriage. I’m not happy with the way we are living and treating each other. Could we go to counseling together?”
• Point out the discrepancy between observed behaviors and what they have previously stated as a goal: “You told me a few months ago that you planned to start exercising regularly to get healthier and lose weight. Is there something keeping you from following through on that goal?”

These may seem like simple, innocuous statements and questions, but if we broaden our concept of confrontation, these interventions can promote movement in a healthy direction.

It is always important to consider timing to confront issues, paying attention to the environmental and emotional factors at hand. Politely invite the person to have the conversation with you at a time that is acceptable for them.

Relationships Essential Reads

Married to Two People: The Romantic Life of Widows

How to Tell If a Friend or Partner Is a Leaf, Tree, or Root

With practice, even those previously terrified of expressing their need for change in a relationship can feel empowered to do so.