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Key points
- Envy is a normal emotion that can be a source of anxiety for some.
- Envy can provide awareness, insights, and inspiration to seek opportunities to learn and grow.
- To help move past envy, we can use it to make an action plan, show self-compassion, and focus on gratitude.
Envy is an unenviable, shameful, and highly secretive emotion. Envy typically appears when we learn of the good fortune of someone we know and love or a celebrity or public figure we admire. When a friend lands that dream job, wins a coveted award, announces their engagement, or buys their dream house, envy can come out of nowhere and hit us like a ton of bricks. Our self-esteem plummets, and we experience a range of uncomfortable emotions, from humiliation, anger, and resentment, to a sense of hopelessness.
A problematic emotion
Envy is a completely normal, albeit highly problematic, emotion.
Envy is considered a source of anxiety. Triggered by unfavorable social comparisons, we feel a sense of failure and resentment, mixed with a strong desire for something someone else has or has achieved. We feel discouraged, diminished, and destabilized by envy. We often catastrophize and conclude that we will never achieve, succeed, have good fortune, or gain access to the opportunities others have been granted. We see ourselves as falling behind, not measuring up, and losing out. Envy thrives in a scarcity mindset, a pervasive sense that there are not enough opportunities or resources to go around.
In the grip of envy, we also feel ashamed. Rarely do we share our thoughts and feelings with people close to us. Instead, we ignore or suppress our feelings rather than acknowledge, explore, and learn from them.
What envy does and does not reveal to us
Envy has a positive function: it can provide us with awareness, insights, and inspiration to seek out opportunities for ourselves to learn and grow. It is tied to social comparisons to people we identify with, relate to, or consider our equals. Other people act as mirrors for us. They show us our strengths, weaknesses, attributes, and shortcomings. When envy arises due to someone else’s good fortune, achievement, or progress, the mirror they hold up reveals what we admire, value, and want or aspire to for ourselves.
Our envy does not show us the full picture of the person we envy. We may envy what someone has or has achieved with little or no understanding of their efforts or compassion for their struggles or challenges. The song "Richard Cory," by Paul Simon, delivers a stark message about the inaccuracy of envying someone who seems to have it all. From the perspective of the song’s narrator, who wishes he could enjoy the luxuries and power or simply be his wealthy employer, we learn of his sense of bewilderment at reading the news that Richard Cory had taken his own life.
Exploring our envy
So, how can we learn from and move beyond our envy?
“What you resist persists,” cautioned C. G. Jung, a pioneer in the field of psychology. When we confront rather than suppress, deny, or ignore our feelings of envy, we learn a lot about ourselves. We gain an understanding of what we aspire to and want to manifest in our lives. With a deeper understanding of ourselves, with compassion for ourselves, we can better understand what we feel we lack and what we need in order to feel satisfied, happy, and whole.
When we take the time to go deeper and understand our feelings–especially our negative ones–we can start to make changes that align us with what we truly want for ourselves.
Five steps to conquer envy
- Acknowledge and examine your feelings. Sit with rather than suppress your feelings. Allow yourself to work through what comes up. Examine and challenge the veracity of these feelings and fears.
- Explore what your envy is revealing to you. Envy shows you something you want in life. This provides you with a goal and a snapshot of where you are in relation to your goal.
- Make a plan of action. With an understanding of where you are and where you want to be, you can chart a course and work toward achieving your goal. You can bring in the resources you need to achieve your goals.
- Have compassion for yourself. Stay connected with your feelings. Acknowledge when you are struggling or feeling hopeless. Reflect on how far you have come, and reach out for support and strategies when struggling.
- Factor gratitude into your life equation. Gratitude does many things for us. It keeps our thoughts positive. Acknowledging and finding gratitude in the people and things in your life that support and sustain you keeps you aligned with the highest and best version of yourself. Take five minutes daily to reflect on the good and challenging aspects of your life.
