How to Address the Elephant in the Room

"There comes a time when silence is betrayal." – Martin Luther King Jr.

While in this social media age it appears that people are comfortable sharing their thoughts on a variety of topics, the truth is that many people still struggle with having difficult conversations. This leads to walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around issues, and the granddaddy of them all, ignoring the elephant in the room.

That phrase—the elephant in the room—has been traced back to a 1959 New York Times article that reported “Financing schools has become a problem about equal to having an elephant in the living room. It's so big you just can't ignore it.” In current-day parlance the elephant in the room refers to an important and obvious topic which everyone present is aware of but doesn’t feel comfortable discussing. Elephants can be detrimental to both personal and professional relationships and are often the source of communication breakdowns.

There are several factors that contribute to certain topics carrying so much weight that most people will go to great lengths not only to avoid discussing them, but often to deny that they even exist. These include:

• The taboo associated with the topic is more powerful than the desire to address the topic.
• The sheer size and weight are intimidating.
• It’s easier to avoid the issue.
• Fear of repercussions.

Despite their size, elephants in the room can often be hard to recognize due to the conspiracy of silence that surrounds them. Indicators that one has stumbled across one include:

• When asking for input on an issue no one offers a useful response.
• Open discussions are avoided in favor of gossip, rumor, and innuendo.
• The presence of conflict that appears to have no instigator.

Unfortunately, difficult conversations often take place when frustration boils over to anger, and someone finally decides to drop a “truth bomb.” This results in an aggressive/defensive dance that not only does not resolve the issue but also adds one more reason to “not go there” in the future.

Having difficult conversations is an art form, a delicate balance between personal needs and concerns for the other, requiring tact and empathy. Too often, when trying to address an elephant in the room a person becomes a bull in a china shop, and nothing is either scared or safe. This cathartic release of pent-up emotions can quickly turn into a long-winded rant that leaves everyone wondering if the person is emotionally stable.

Even when done in a calm state, pointing out the obvious can make others extremely uncomfortable. This can lead to a “shoot the messenger” mentality and labels like “boat-rocker,” “alarmist,” and “doomayer” will be attached in hopes of silencing the identified offender. Whether it be in a workplace setting or in the arena of personal relationships, this task is not for the weak of heart and requires courage and leaps of faith.

Tips for increasing chances for success include:

1. Start with a self-check. Review why the topic is important to you and what you hope to achieve by addressing it.
2. Consider how others will respond. Think through how they might respond, what their viewpoint might be, and acknowledge their right to see things differently.
3. Plan for pushback. Spend time on how you will respond if the other person resists acknowledging the problem.
4. Consider alternatives. Have you tried other means of addressing the topic or will this be the first time you’ve broached the subject?
5. Seek the counsel of a trusted other to look for blind spots and biases that may negate the message.

There are numerous reasons the people I’ve met in therapy sessions give for avoiding difficult conversations. While some are focused on the other person and whether his or her feelings will be hurt, more often the rationale is self-focused. Concerns about damaging a relationship, not wanting to be seen as a complainer, fear of losing control of the conversation, and not knowing how to do it are the subtext to most avoiding behaviors. These are legitimate concerns that are sometimes best addressed through consultation with a professional, or by observing someone who has the skill and modeling that behavior.

Unfortunately, in an age where the “gotcha” moment is highly prized and personal attacks are the norm, it can be hard to take the high road and aim for a meaningful discourse. Reframing the encounter is a great way to decrease both the anxiety associated with “we need to talk” moments and increases the chances that both parties walk away feeling heard. This starts by seeing elephants in the room as opportunities for growth, for bringing conflict out into the open, helping move relationships past sticking points, and creating a sense of psychological safety in which it’s OK to disagree.

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Done successfully, stepping out of the shadows of silence is empowering and liberating, leaving people wondering why they waited so long to finally speak up. Referred to in psychodrama circles as “finding one’s voice” this discovery has great therapeutic value. Given the times we live in, in which elephants roam everywhere, we need these voices more than ever.

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