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Two dominant stories have saturated the headlines this month—the invasion of Ukraine and the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. As if this wasn't stressful enough, other headlines have reported on climate change, systemic discrimination, health disparities, crime, inflation, and negative impacts from social media. This does not include the array of personal stressors each of us may be experiencing.
For instance, you might be a parent with young children who frequently wake up with nightmares or exhibit stress through heightened anxiety, rebellion, and/or a combination of regressive behaviors. Or your spouses and/or partners may seem moodier, and you find that dangerous relationship habits have increased between you, such as getting defensive, blaming, belittling, not genuinely listening, giving the silent treatment, not desiring to understand each other’s perspective, breaking physical contact, and emotionally disconnecting. On top of that, employment may be chaotic with workplaces marked by incessant back-stabbing, lack of teamwork, and an atmosphere of apathy or dread.
It should be noted that any one of these issues by itself is a lot to manage. Imagine your body is a 16-ounce glass and one of these stressors (like the pandemic) has filled it to 8 ounces—a glass half full of stress. Now keep adding 2 ounces for every additional stressor in your life right now. What’s your total? A full glass? Or an overflowing glass?
What I’m seeing in my work is that people’s glasses were already overflowing before the pandemic and that the pandemic has made it significantly worse. This crisis has created trauma in people worldwide, and the human body can buckle under sustained stress, leaving us vulnerable to disease, depression, anxiety, and the adoption of poor coping skills that only make things worse.
Coping skills that make things worse
Maladaptive coping skills can include a mixture of passive and aggressive coping. Some maladaptive passive reactions might be isolating, withdrawing, drinking alcohol, taking drugs, watching excess television or online media content, not communicating, overeating, chronic complaining, and slipping into perpetual victim thinking, which feeds on resentment and blame.
Maladaptive aggressive coping can also include excess drinking and drugs, verbal fighting, physical fighting, gambling and spending money recklessly, constant moving, threatening others, promiscuity, risky sexual behaviors, and theft. These maladaptive coping mechanisms can fall on a continuum, so it is not unusual to see some people at the extremes in the described behaviors or exhibiting a combination of them.
Coping skills that make things better
Sometimes people resort to maladaptive coping because they don’t know better alternatives to survive the onslaught of stress. They might also need critical support from others that is not present in their lives. With that stated, one of the most important traits a person needs to survive toxic stress is the willingness to overcome obstacles rather than avoiding them. The willingness to face stressors and the toll stress takes on one’s life means there is an opportunity to do something new. This also helps a person look at their own shortcomings and learn from their mistakes. Honest and accurate self-reflection can help a person redirect nagging resentment into compassion and move from victim-thinking to empowered, optimistic thinking.
Additional positive coping skills that promote resilience include having a realistic understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses. This allows for realistic goal setting. Maybe things have changed in your life and you are not able to achieve what you could in the past. Living in resentment about current circumstances will only cause increasing misery. Instead, take time to reevaluate your new circumstances and readjust your goals to better fit them. This readjustment can be a huge transformation for people, helping them increase self-esteem, self-control, and positive thinking patterns.
Something else to remember is that we are social creatures who need each other and fare best when we can experience positive relationships. Developing social and communication skills can enhance work, family, friendship, and community relationships. This includes having the ability to recognize emotions in oneself and others. Being self-aware can help a person take responsibility for their feelings while being able to articulate them to someone else in an attempt to repair. Using “I” statements, and avoiding blaming “you” statements, is an integral piece of good communication practice. However, using boundaries when someone is criticizing or verbally attacking can be productive as well. Don’t be afraid to say it is hard to fully hear a person when you feel shamed, attacked, and blamed. In other words, state what you are feeling and/or experiencing in an “I” statement versus a “You are doing XYZ to me” type of blaming statement.
Final reminders
Be gentle with yourself as you seek essential self-care. Don’t forget to spend time with deep breathing exercises and muscle relaxation. Spend time in nature and commune with the trees. (They provide blood-enriching oxygen as well as neurochemicals that stave off depression.) Move your body and release excess stress chemicals through exercise (while simultaneously promoting the feel-good chemicals and working your heart and muscles). Eat more veggies and healthy fruits to get your vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants. Hug your loved ones—and don’t forget to play and laugh with them, too. Finally, pause and be grateful as you contemplate the miracle of life on this extraordinary planet.
