Empower Teens: Reframe Emotions and Embrace Life

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Emotions can be challenging for teens, especially when they're intense or feel out of control. Many parents struggle to help their teens handle hard feelings, and even with the best intentions, they end up making things worse.

As a clinical psychologist and brain coach who works with teens, I see how tricky this area can be for a parent to navigate. It often goes something like this: teen expresses frustration over something in their life, the parent offers advice and solutions, the teen becomes even more frustrated, the parent becomes hurt or annoyed, the parent and teen argue, and the teen storms out even more upset than they were, to begin with, and parent throws their hands up in the air and wonders what just happened.

Sound familiar?

The parents and teens I work with want a better way. They want to learn how to express their feelings in healthy ways and to have coping tools to deal with the difficult ones. Parents want to see their teens stretch their comfort zones and feel capable while doing so. And teens want to participate in life and feel good about their choices.

When Emotions Control Your Teen

When teens don't know how or are unable to manage their emotions, small obstacles become huge barriers. They're stopped in their tracks and can't move forward. They end up quitting the team or skipping auditions. They talk themselves out of approaching the crush or pretend they're sick, so they don't have to play in the game.

They've allowed their emotions to take control, and now they've missed out on something important. They feel guilt, shame, and sadness about their choices and then blow up at you when you ask what went wrong.

Anxiety tends to be a big one when it comes to losing control. Often, teens don't realize they're anxious or see just how much the anxiety is holding them back. They end up missing out on great opportunities because they haven't yet learned how to recognize or manage these feelings.

I've listened to countless teens justify how their anxious thoughts are 100 percent correct and list why they can't do what they truly want to be doing. But I also have helped these teens realize how inaccurate these thoughts can be and watched them do the thing they want, even while feeling uncomfortable.

How Emotions Impact Your Teen

Researchers found that the stronger an individual feels an emotion in their body, the stronger it is in their mind (Nummenmaa et al. 2018). Let's consider how this might look for your teen. Maybe they get nervous speaking in front of large groups and know they'll have to share their perspective during the discussion in English class today; otherwise, they'll miss out on major participation points.

They have an upset stomach all morning as they wait for class, which they interpret as a bit of nervousness. By the time they sit at their desk, their stomach is churning, they feel hot, and they have a lump in their throat. Because these physical sensations are so strong, they tell themselves they must be extremely anxious for the discussion, even though they were mildly nervous earlier.

How your teen interprets their physical sensations also impacts how intense those emotions become. When your teen interprets the upset stomach as nervousness, they'll likely increase the intensity of the feeling.

However, if they interpret the upset stomach as a normal response to a stressful situation, it might not feel as scary. And the same goes for how they interpret their emotions as well. When your teen thinks of nervousness as a normal emotion that comes and goes, they're more likely just to let it pass through.

In contrast, when they view anxiety as a sign that something is wrong or that the feeling needs to be avoided at all costs, they've just made the emotion even stronger.

Reframing Emotions

Reframing means thinking of something in a different way or changing our mindset so that we view it in a more helpful way. When we reframe a situation, for example, we find another way to look at it. Perhaps you've had the experience of thinking you'd made a fool of yourself in a work meeting, but then your colleague mentions how nice it was to hear your thoughts for a change. You find yourself feeling proud for speaking up instead of embarrassed for stammering. You just reframed your mindset on the situation, making it much more likely that you'll speak up again.

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We can also reframe our emotions. Instead of thinking of them as something that controls us or that dictates our behavior, we can view them as normal responses to stressful situations. They don't have to mean there's something wrong with us, the situation, or others. They're simply the way our brain and body are responding currently.

Parents can model this tool by talking through their process of doing this and then asking questions to get their teens thinking of their own experiences. Maybe you're feeling stressed about a difficult conversation you need to have with a relative.

While driving your teen to their friend's house, you could say: “You know how I’ve been saying your grandmother needs to respect our boundaries better and can’t just show up unannounced? I’m feeling anxious about talking to her about this tonight, but I know this feeling is normal. It just means I’m going outside my comfort zone and doing something hard. It’s actually kind of a good thing. I guess if I weren’t anxious about it, I probably wouldn’t take it seriously or even take action. Does that ever happen to you? Where you feel anxious about something but know it’s a sign that you’re on the right track?”

Turn Anxiety Into Excitement

My absolute favorite emotion to reframe is anxiety. The reason? Because it's so easy.

Anxiety usually comes with physical symptoms of shortness of breath, feeling hot or flushed, jitteriness, and stomach butterflies. Guess what other emotion shares these same physical sensations? Yep, excitement.

Because they share these sensations, we can get our brains to interpret them as excitement rather than anxiety. And when we do that, our mindset completely shifts as well. We're no longer thinking of all the ways the experience could go wrong like we do when we're anxious.

Instead, we're focused on what's fun about the situation.

Here's how to do it:

• Notice the physical sensations as an observer. Rather than saying, "I'm shaking" or "I'm so hot," we say, "My body feels jittery" or "I can feel heat in my body." This sounds small, but this slight shift in language creates a gap between our bodies and brains, which is precisely what we want.
• Label them as excitement. By saying aloud, "I'm so excited!" a few times, we're convincing our brains that we indeed are and should interpret these sensations as excitement rather than fear or anxiety.
• Focus on what's exciting about the situation. Focus on the things that make the situation good, like how amazing it is even to get the job interview or how incredible you'll look on stage in your new outfit.

Reframing our emotions is a valuable tool to teach teens. Model it by practicing it yourself and talk to your teen about the changes you notice from doing it. Teach your teen how to reframe anxiety as excitement by sharing this post with them and encouraging them to practice doing it when it feels more manageable.

Instead of waiting to try it out before taking the stage in front of the entire school, they can practice it during class presentations or when approaching a new friend group. And the more they practice it, the easier it gets.

Soon, they'll feel more in control of hard feelings and more ready to handle adversity.