Protecting Girl Power

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The phenomenon has been described for decades. As tween girls approach puberty, they may start to temper their enthusiasm and dampen their assertive impulses. In 1994, Mary Pipher wrote the bestselling book Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls; in it, she describes how the pressures to conform to gender expectations may negatively impact female emotional development. Boys who are assertive may be seen as leaders; teen girls with these attributes may be labeled as bossy or annoying. Thirty years later, in her 2023 song “all-american bitch” Olivia Rodrigo notes that these pressures are alive and well, sarcastically singing: “I feel for your every little issue… I’m grateful all the time, I’m sexy, and I’m kind, I’m pretty when I cry…”

There has definitely been progress. While girls may receive positive reinforcement for being passive in social settings, sports encourage girls to be assertive, aggressive, and communicative on the field, court, or dojo. There has been a media sea change with more openly confident, young female characters taking center stage. A few examples: In the movie Frozen (2013), Elsa can’t imagine how she can both wield her immense personal power and stay connected to her family. By the movie’s end, she learns to embrace her authentic, powerful self within her community, and her irritability and dysphoria lift. Moana (2016) takes it a step further in her self-named Disney film: From the jump, she is brave, adventurous, and quick-thinking as the daughter of a village chief who embarks on an adventure to save her people. The Barbie movie straddles worlds, contrasting the freedom of girl-play with a doll who can be and do anything with the social tightrope required of adult women. Many of my female patients of all ages saw the movie multiple times.

But it isn’t possible to fully inoculate young girls against an infection of gender expectations. With puberty occurring earlier than ever, they may even feel pressure to dampen their feelings and agency at a younger age. Increased emotional distress may be one of the first signs of the struggle. Being too nice or pushing down one’s authentic feelings or needs may fuel anxiety or dysphoria.

Of note, if the anxiety or low mood is disabling, if sleep, focus, energy, and appetite are significantly affected, or if the child is increasingly withdrawn, disengaged, or expresses any self-destructive impulses, a mental health evaluation should be sought. For most children, though, societal pressures are present, but development remains on track. In these cases, these small but potent interventions may be helpful.

Read This Book

In my office, I frequently recommend that families read The Curse of the Good Girl. Simmons outlines what a teenage girl might feel internally: "I shouldn’t feel this. I’m making too big a deal out of it. I shouldn’t say this; it will make me a bitch, a drama queen, an outcast." Then, she masterfully provides a curriculum to help girls reclaim their voices and feel more comfortable with risk. As the author references disordered eating and self-injurious behavior as maladaptive coping strategies, the text may be best suited for tweens if parents select age-appropriate excerpts to read together.

Play This Game

In child psychotherapy, we use games to connect with children; the play often has multiple levels of meaning. One of my favorites is Sorry, a board game that supports the ability to assert oneself and not “play nice.” In Sorry, a player can send another player back to Start if they draw a Sorry card. Of course, the player sending the opponent back to Start with the Sorry card isn’t actually apologetic (As young people might say today: “Sorry, not sorry”), as this move is strategically necessary to move oneself forward in the game.

During play, an adult can celebrate when every player asserts their power. The young girl may tentatively move her opponent back to Start with the Sorry card, and the adult opponent can applaud the moment with a crow of “Let's go! Good move!”

Watch This Show

Survivor is a unique reality TV show that is generally appropriate for tweens, even though it isn’t always considered family entertainment. Contestants work together to make a camp, build shelter, and find food while sequestered in a remote, undeveloped area. Over several weeks, they compete in physical and puzzle challenges, first as a group and then individually. Week by week, one player is voted off by their peer group.

Especially in recent seasons, the player mix is diverse, increasing the likelihood that a child will be able to identify with a player on screen. The final survivor who wins a million dollars is never the strongest contestant or the one who is best at puzzles; instead, they have a unique mix of positive attributes. They are physically adept, willing to take risks, able to make strategic and assertive moves, and capable of making and maintaining relationships.

“Good girls” don’t win Survivor. The Survivor champion is not a wallflower or follower—they make things happen. The women who win Survivor are strong physically, emotionally, and socially. Dee Valladares won Survivor Season 45 with her physical prowess, her ability to make authentic, caring connections with other players, and her strategic secret moves. Meanwhile, throughout the season, she openly shared her deep connection with her family and her hope that she could provide for them by winning the show. The show Survivor illustrates how real women, followed over several episodes, not characters in a book or a movie, can be strong, assertive, feminine, and super successful—all at once.

Gender Essential Reads

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Insights From Research of Teens Unhappy With Their Gender

While there is a positive cultural shift that celebrates female power, the pressure for tween and teenage girls to squelch their assertive voices and their big feelings still exists. These small interventions may help girls understand their emotional experience, celebrate when they assert themselves, and find role models of strong, assertive women who can play and win.