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Ghosting occurs when someone abruptly ends communication with another person without any explanation. Ghosting can be an especially cruel end to a romantic relationship or budding connection.
In the modern era of dating, ghosting has unfortunately become more common than ever. A survey of 5,000 people by Forbes Health found that 76% of participants had either ghosted another person or been ghosted when dating. Just because ghosting has become more common, though, doesn’t mean it’s any easier to cope with the effects when it does happen.
Being ghosted can have significant effects that erode your self-esteem over time and cause you to question your worth. When ghosting is used to sever a connection, it is often abrupt and rarely comes with a warning. This can be jarring and disconcerting for the target of the ghosting as they are left to pick up the pieces and question everything about a relationship they thought they knew.
It is not unusual to feel stuck after being ghosted and not know how to move on. Ghosting can evoke the same feeling as an unsolved mystery, leaving the recipient with unanswered questions and in a constant loop of wondering what happened without reprieve or relief. This happens because not knowing the real reason why ghosting occurred and being forced to deal with the uncertainty alone is often more painful than knowing the reason why a relationship ended.
If you have been ghosted and are having difficulty moving on after being ghosted, consider the following tips:
1. Recognize that you don’t need to know the reason why ghosting happened to be able to move on. There is a false misconception that closure must come from another person. The problem with this idea is that it leaves the power in the other person’s hands, and you have no choice but to wait for the ghoster to initiate a conversation. Their silence speaks volumes, and closure is something you can create for yourself.
2. Turn the focus on their behavior instead of yours. In the absence of answers, many people who have been ghosted tend to self-blame. Rather than viewing ghosting as a reflection of your worth, though, ask yourself: What type of person would engage in this behavior? What does it say about their character? If you are idealizing them and focusing on their potential, recognize that someone who is secure and emotionally mature would not engage in this behavior and, instead, would have a direct conversation with you. If this is how they are choosing to end a relationship, how would they have responded had you stayed together and other inevitable stressors or life events occurred? Eventually, the time comes in every relationship when difficult conversations must be had, and they are showing you with their actions that they would not have been available or willing to engage in those conversations, which is necessary for a relationship to grow deeper and have longevity.
3. Take the time to process and have an outlet. It may be tempting to ignore your feelings or push them away, but that will only prolong your healing process over time. When you’re ready, allow yourself to have an outlet and express the feelings you never got to address with your ex. Consider writing a letter or creating a voice memo to your ex expressing everything you never had the chance to say. Then, burn it, rip it up, or delete it. Do this as many times as needed until you feel like there is nothing left for you to process.
4. Remove ties from your relationship when ready. Constant reminders of the person who ghosted you via social media, old pictures, or mementos can be detrimental to your healing. In particular, social media posts and updates can feel jarring when you’ve been ghosted and ultimately lead to in setbacks to your healing process. Social media posts are also not realistic depictions of a person’s headspace and can give you a false impression that they are living their best life without you.
There are many people who have been ghosted, but ehose exes are still on their social media, which only rubs salt in the wound. Maybe they weren’t willing to respond to a text from you but they may still respond to your stories or frequently upload their own.
When you’re ready, removing ties to the person who ghosted you (whether it’s throwing out mementos, getting rid of old pictures, or blocking them on social media) can help you feel empowered and free you from painful reminders of the past.
5. Reflect on what this situation is activating for you. Ghosting can bring up haunting reminders from the past when previous relationships (whether romantic, platonic, or familial) were ended in an abrupt manner without discussion or forewarning. As a result, ghosting can trigger grief from these past endings that were never fully processed. Ghosting can also confirm a painful underlying belief you may have about yourself being unworthy or others “always leaving.”
If you identify that there are previous wounds that need healing, allow yourself space to process the grief attached to these past experiences. If you’re not sure where to start, a support group or individual therapy can be great options for having consistent support during this time.
6. Practice self-compassion. In the absence of answers, you may be tempted to fill in the blanks and blame yourself for being ghosted. However, now more than ever, you need to be on your own side and support yourself as you would a friend.
If you find it difficult to extend compassion toward yourself, imagine how you would support a friend in a similar situation. What would you say to them, and how would you comfort them? Then, practice applying the same support to yourself.
7. Obtain trusted support. Because ghosting can often feel like a betrayal, it can cause you to put your guard up due to becoming disillusioned with others and mistrusting their intentions. Having a consistent support system is an essential part of the healing process. Evaluate who you surround yourself with as well as whether you trust them and if you can rely on them for support while you’re going through this process. If you feel that you need further support beyond your support system during this time, consider meeting with a support group or a therapist for one-on-one sessions.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to substitute professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or another qualified health provider with questions regarding your condition or well-being.
