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After a break-up, particularly if I've had a bad one, looking up my ex on social media can be a dangerous situation. At some point, it may cross my mind and I wonder what’s new with my ex? Is he married? Is he single? Is he dating someone? I wonder what she looks like. The myriad questions or the curiosity I may experience only fuels torment in my mind when I am tempted. Then I enter a whole other level if I decide to look when I have no idea of what’s to come.
I remember when I found out an ex was with someone else after accidentally seeing a picture of them together on Facebook. I was shocked. Not only was he in a new relationship, but he was with the same girl that had caused us to break up; I found out he had been cheating on me with her. On top of that, not only was he in a full-blown relationship but we were still periodically hooking up.
Here’s how it happened. You know when you are on someone’s Facebook page, and they list people that connect you to them; you can see everyone's profile pics lined up. I received a notification from Facebook that an old friend of mine was celebrating a birthday. I went to click on his Facebook page, and there it was. The birthday boy was connected to the girl and she had a profile pic of my ex with her on vacation in some foreign country. Did I scroll down to look at more pictures of their life together that apparently spanned over two years? Sure, why not. It’s sitting right there ready and available to kick me in the face.
It was horrible, and I vowed to never look at connections in common with people ever again. Then time goes by and I might get weak, and depending on my mental state, I can have moments of curiosity and wonder if the profile pic has changed, which might indicate the relationship is over. That’s when the psychological war begins in my mind because the information is just a click away.
Today, there is a range of social media platforms to discover things about an ex. If I look up someone on LinkedIn, the person gets notified that I “viewed their profile.” If I want them to know, then I click on it. If I don’t want them to know I stay away. I can’t exercise my curiosity when I don’t want them to know so that one is off-limits. This is probably a good thing.
Then there is Google where no one knows if you are looking them up. This can be dicey because if I decide to Google someone I may find out all sorts of things that I never even imagined. Unlike LinkedIn, a person has no control over what will come up about them on Google. I Googled an ex a while back and discovered he was married with two kids. It didn’t really bother me because we had a bad breakup. He had dumped me in the middle of a Will and Grace commercial and that’s pretty much my last memory of him. Then I Googled another ex, and his links were all about his career achievements. I didn’t care to read about his accomplishments given that he dumped me because I was “too skinny.” Thank you, I thought to myself. But it was still hurtful. He got fat, and I got thin. God forbid you fat shame someone these days, but go ahead and fit shame someone all day long, no problem.
Then I am left to wonder if any of my exes have gone on social media to find me?
When it comes to a past relationship, if I look on social media, I have no idea what is going to hit me, which is scary. It could also be an indication that I am not over that particular relationship. After all the work I did to rebuild myself, and I touch that button, I'm retreating to my former self. If I don’t click it, I've moved on because I flat out don’t care. Whether I decide to investigate or not, I am opening myself to being vulnerable to feelings that I might not necessarily know I have, and outcomes that I don’t need.
On many levels, it can be toxic.
I don’t know what goes on in my mind when I want to look someone up, especially when it was a bad breakup, but it happens. I do know I could experience trauma from my accidental Facebook encounter, so that should be enough to keep my distance.
One can only hope.
