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I want to return to therapy. The holidays are nearly here, which can be challenging, and I know I’m prone to seasonal depression. Going back to therapy is a smart idea. Recently, I emailed my therapist who I hadn’t seen in years just to see if he was still practicing. I asked if he would be able to meet with me. I received a welcoming response stating he was happy to hear from me and scheduled a session for the following day.
When I woke up the next day, I chickened out. I just wasn’t ready. Therapy has been one of the biggest gifts I have given myself. I know some of the healthiest changes in my life occurred during the days I was in therapy, yet I had always resisted it and found excuses not to go. Aside from the expense and the hard work that therapy entails I had another major reason that held me back.
I initially stopped going because I found myself lying to my therapist, and other times I would simply withhold information.
It all started when my therapist and I had worked for months on getting me out of a toxic relationship, which I managed to achieve. However, my ex kept re-entering my life and I wasn’t strong and did not stay away. I felt shame mixed with embarrassment and guilt. I felt bad because my therapist had done so much work to help me. I didn’t want to disappoint him or seem like I had wasted his time. When he would ask about my ex I would lie and say I hadn’t had any contact with him. Then eventually he stopped asking because I assume he thought that issue was resolved; technically I wasn’t lying anymore. I transitioned from lying to withholding information. I felt slightly better withholding information versus flat-out lying, which allowed me to justify my behavior.
It got to a point where I couldn’t continue to engage with my ex and still be involved in a toxic relationship and not tell my therapist. If I wasn’t going to be honest it seemed pointless to continue. Then came a pivotal moment when my therapist said, “I get the feeling that you are hiding something from me.” He was right and I quit. I couldn't face the truth, and I couldn’t continue being deceitful. That moment opened a door for me to come clean and be honest but I just couldn’t do it.
I know it is time for me to go back, and I wonder if I need to admit that I lied all those years ago. I wonder what that would mean for our therapeutic relationship. Would my deceit linger? Would I feel awkward moving forward? Not knowing the answers to these questions has kept me away. When I find myself making excuses, I know deep down I do want the help, but my mind finds reasons to block what I need for personal growth and happiness.
If I go back to therapy, I can let it go and start fresh without having to explain why I stopped going in the first place. My toxic relationship happened years ago and I am a different person now with a different set of problems. If he brings it up I can make some excuse but that would mean I am back where I had started—lying. If he doesn’t ask about my departure from therapy then I am simply withholding information. Once again, if I do that I am recycling my previous behavior.
As it stands today, I have yet to reschedule an appointment. I realize this is silly; I am allowing my fear of what he might think of me to stop me from seeking help. But I feel I am one step closer to making that appointment.
I think a crucial aspect to remember is that every time I exited his office in the past, I felt a sense of relief.
Most importantly, when I think back to that moment when my therapist said he questioned if I was hiding something it was a blessing to realize I have someone on my side who knows me. I owe it to myself to return, and this time do my best to continue with honesty and transparency.
