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Key points
- We need to do less so our kids can pick up the skills to care for themselves.
- Doing less helps our children build their executive-functioning skills
- Doing less builds our children's self-esteem and sense of self-efficacy
When our children were small, it was our natural responsibility to feed them, dress them, prepare their food, wash their clothes, and perform the multitude of other physical tasks that we completed without a second thought. As our children grow older, there needs to be a shift whereby we slowly hand more and more responsibilities to our children so that they are building the skills needed to become independent in their lives.
That shift is a tricky one because no alarm goes off when our child can start washing their laundry, changing their sheets, or managing their calendar. Each of our children is different in their capabilities, and the assessment is just that, an assessment and an artful passing on, resisting the resistance of your child, teen, or young adult and persisting through.
In the end, you have a competent young man or woman who is ready to move on to the next transition, whether that be from elementary school to middle school, or middle school to high school. They have also had experiences with different life tasks in which they can problem solve. Our goal as parents is to provide them with the steps and language to use with others and themselves so they can work through a problem in our absence, because our absence is inevitable.
What did I teach my child today?
I work with many moms who feel that it is their job to do all of the things for their children, whether laundry or dropping off items at school when they’ve forgotten. If we are not teaching our children and teens how to build these daily life and executive functioning skills through their daily routines, we are putting our children at a disadvantage in life. Many of us consciously or unconsciously believe that if we are not doing for our child or children, then we are not “good” parents. I’d like to argue the opposite.
Having worked with many college-aged students, many left homes where all the things were done for them. When they arrived at college, they were overwhelmed with the number of responsibilities they had and things to remember (contacting a professor, changing sheets, washing laundry, figuring out what time to get up for class in order to make it on time).
If we don’t allow our children and teens to practice and build these skills while they are under our roof, they aren’t going to magically build them once they hit 18 years of age or are living in a college dorm. There is no magic here.
Pass on those responsibilities to your children and teens and when they ask for help, ask questions. When they are asking you to take it back or don’t follow through, don’t swoop in and take care of it. Instead, let it sit until your child’s lack of something becomes uncomfortable for him or her.
Many of us are natural fixers and great problem solvers. We’re also great personal assistants to our children and teens. We are very aware of their schedule and all of the items they need for each activity. You’re likely very aware of each class, upcoming assignment, project, and assessment. If you find yourself reminding your child of these upcoming things and cueing them to engage in daily life activities like washing their face or taking a shower, you’ve gone too far.
Think about it: If you’re carrying this weight and remembering for your child, why would your child or teen pick it up independently?
For our children in late elementary school, the following tasks are age-appropriate:
- Choosing clothing for the next day
- Preparing school bag, shoes, and jacket for the next day
- Putting away folded laundry
- Making her bed
- Preparing breakfast (e.g., making a bowl of cereal, heating a waffle in the toaster, etc)
- Packing his snack or lunch.
For our middle school-aged preteens and teens:
- Washing, folding, putting away their laundry
- Changing sheets
- Vacuuming and dusting their bedroom
- Emptying the dishwasher
- Taking out and bringing back the garbage and recyclables
- Feeding pets
- Walking pets
- Finding and creating systems to help them manage their time, prioritize their assignments, start and get through tasks (school- and home/life-based).
For our high school-aged teens and young adults
- Keeping track of their grades
- Keeping track of their assignments
- Scheduling time to meet with teachers for extra help, etc.
- Once your child can drive, have them drive him/herself to appointments
- At the end of high school, have your child make appointments for their dentist, eye doctor, physical, allergist, psychiatrist, etc.
- Checking their email consistently and responding when necessary
- Finding a job, applying and interviewing
- Keeping track of their receipts (i.e., storing them in a physical or electronic space)
- Learning to sort through their closets and drawers to remove clothing, shoes, and accessories they are no longer using. Next, donating or passing items on to a younger friend or family member.
The goal is to create space for your child to make mistakes and face the natural consequences of doing so. As their parents, we have helicoptered, lawn-mowed, and everything else in between to make sure that our children don’t face disappointment, sadness, frustration, or failure. However, they will not escape these life truths or realities when they leave our home. Not giving them the opportunities to try, fail, plan again, try again and succeed puts our children at a disadvantage,
