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Key points
- When children ask questions, pause for a moment.
- Don't be so quick to provide an abundance of information.
- Answer the question and only the question.
Children and teenagers are curious creatures. They also hear and see things that they don’t always understand. They pick up on the emotions around them and can feel overwhelmed or confused. The natural next step is for a child or teen to approach his or her parent.
As parents, sometimes we feel the need to tell our child or teen everything we know on a particular topic as a way of giving background. However, what we may not realize is that when our children ask us a question, they often are seeking a simple answer, and that’s it.
Depending on your child’s age and disability, as parents, we make tough decisions about sharing information about current events such as natural disasters or school shootings. Sadly, that is the world we live in, and with social media and access to the internet, our children are more informed today than we ever were when we were their age. In that sense, our world is a scarier place for our children today. Pre-internet, our generation found out about current events through our teachers, parents, or other family members.
What Should I Tell My Child When There Is a Natural Disaster or School Shooting?
When your child approaches you, first, get a sense of why he is interested in the topic now. For example, if they ask you, “Mommy, what happened in XXX (insert topic of interest here)?” Start with “What did you hear about that? Where did you hear about it?” First, try to gain an understanding of where this information came from, and then ask your child to tell you what he knows about it.
Then, try “What would you like to know?” Proceed to answer the question using one or two sentences. Then, stop. Don’t expand or give history or too many details. This will overwhelm your child or teen.
I recall that when my daughter (now 15) was 7, we had a conversation that sounded like this:
“Mommy, what is 9-11?” I asked her where she heard about it. She responded, “We talked about it in social studies.” I asked, “What did your teacher say?”
She said, “That it was about planes that crashed into big buildings.” I asked, “What do you want to know about it?” She responded, “Did it really happen?” I stated, “Yes, it did.” She replied, “Did you see it?” I said, “No, I was at work, but I saw it on TV when I got home.”
She asked, “Were you scared?” I said, “Yes, I was scared for the people involved.” She asked, “Did you know anybody in the buildings?” I responded, “No.” She then asked, “Can I have mac and cheese for dinner?”
Had I not gained the background information from her, I would have started at the beginning and likely given her more information than she could have comprehended. Knowing my daughter, she is still easily frightened and holds on to mental images that then creep up at night, before bed, and keep her awake. She would have likely perseverated on the details for months to come. She would have gotten stuck on planes and planes crashing. By asking her questions about what she wanted to know, I gave her exactly what she wanted which was a lot simpler than what I would have anticipated.
At What Age Is It Appropriate to Share Information About Current Events
There isn’t a right or wrong age at which to share information about the world’s happenings with your child. A good rule of thumb is to share when your child shows interest or asks you a direct question. If your child or teen doesn’t ask, it’s OK for our children to live in a bubble for a little while. Information is very easy to access through social media and search engines. If they’re not asking or showing interest, let them live in their bliss for as long as they can.
How About the Birds and the Bees Talk? How Do I Handle That?
When your child is showing obvious signs of puberty, deepening voice, breast buds, body hair, body odor, and an interest in the opposite gender, it’s time to plant the seeds for that conversation.
Many children with special needs, as well as neurotypical ones, can become frightened of their changing bodies and the feelings that come when a handsome young man or little lady (student or staff member) walks by. They may not understand these emotional and physiological sensations and can become confused.
This is a natural time to read books together about your teen’s changing body. For some children, a social story can be created for specific areas of question or concern. This is also a natural time to discuss menstrual cycles and self-care. You can validate that the intense emotions that they are feeling or the physical changes that they are noticing are normal and happen to every teen. Sometimes, our teens just need to know that their experience is a shared one and that knowledge creates great comfort.
When is it time to have a conversation about human sexuality and sexual intercourse? You can wait for the question to be asked and then answer it. By that point, you will have provided a good amount of information leading up to this question, and so it will naturally flow. For example, you will have already had a conversation about female and male anatomy and how it changes, the physical urges, menstrual cycles, breasts, and pubic hair. This process may be slow and can take months or even a year. It’s OK, no need to rush. Just answer the questions as they arise.
Our children (with special needs or neurotypical ones) are constantly evolving little people whose interests and curiosities are unique and different. Remember, just answer the question, build on information slowly, and follow your child’s lead.
